In Finding Ourselves, We find Others

In every social context we are asked to fit neatly into some category only to satisfy people's assumptions about who we are, or should be (to be fair, we often give people the information they use to make assumptions about us). Peterson Toscano, a former ex-gay, knows well the effort it takes to fit neatly into boxes in which one believes they should neatly fit. In the following video, he simultaneously illustrates the fluid nature of "identity" and also the need to be true to one's self. Check out the short video below:

In the two previous posts written I examined instances when systems much larger than the individual have shaped, or tried to shape, individual identity. But today I am going to look at how our identities are constructed within a smaller framework, such as with our friends and families. Before this week I never thought such an analysis was necessary, because I always assumed that one would always be "themselves" when surrounded by familiar faces and good friends.

Ever since I came to Dartmouth I have been very critical of the Greek System. I resent that the social scene revolves around the few fraternities that spin the wheel on Webster Avenue any given weekend. I walk into frats and I immediately feel like I do not belong. The floor is wet and sticky from spilt beer falling from the cups of drunk men and women. Few people are capable of having coherent conversations with you, and even when they do they forget by morning as their short term memory is slowly wiped by their increasingly deeper state of drunkenness. You could sit and talk with your friends, but there are many other more suitable venues for having heart to heart discussions. Unless you intend to play pong, which I consider a most vile attempt to entertain one's self in rural New Hampshire, there isn't much to do for entertainment in a frat (I'll pretend the hook-up scene doesn't exist).

A few months ago, none of my close friends were members of fraternities or sororities. We all agreed that even though many Dartmouth students find much to be lacking in the greek system, most of us give up the fight and end up joining a house anyway. It's something to do, and if you have friends in these houses then it makes sense to join the brotherhood/sisterhood.

One of my best friends joined a sorority this Winter. She never mentioned this until a few weeks ago, and at first I was dumbstruck by her revelation. We had talked about this. She held the greek system and its superficial relationships in contempt. How could she go back on her word? Was she just selling out like everybody else? What happened to the anti-establishment, anti-assimilationist friend I had before? How could she just change like that on something that seemed so fundamental to who she was.

But then as time went on I started to understand some of the reasons why she might have decided to join a sorority, and in time I too had convinced myself that perhaps it could be a worthwhile endeavour, despite my grouses. You see, I am very critical of fraternities as social spaces for everyone on campus, but I have no perspective from which to judge the value of fraternities once one is a member. A majority of Dartmouth students join them, and they seem to align themselves to their houses rather faithfully. Am I missing out?

This week I shared with another of my close friends that I was thinking of joining a fraternity. Her reaction mirrored my own when I learnt that my friend had joined a sorority, but this time I was the one being judged. I wasn't hurt, because I understood well her reaction. But I was moved in unexpected ways. I wondered if people are willing to restrict themselves so as not to have uncomfortable conversations such as this one with their friends?

It appears that once you have established a certain tone and type of discourse with an individual who grows to relate to you in a particular regard, it is extremely difficult to change "who you are". Any change on the individual's part will be judged as a symptom of fickle-mindedness, and uncertainty about one's self. So then it's not just society that sets standards that we feel compelled to follow. Our beloved friends and families do the same. While we reject the box offered by society for us to neatly fit into, we complicity place ourselves in perhaps tighter cartons in order to placate our friends, who we depend on more heavily than society in general. Isn't this one of the reasons why the coming out process is so difficult for LGBT people? All your life the people closest to you made assumptions about who you loved, or could love and what your future would be live, but then you are forced to reveal to them that their entire conception of your sexual self (or gender identity) must change. People fear coming out for many other reasons, and people react badly for many others too, but still. 

At the end of the video above Peterson tells us that the people who are most powerful are those that are not afraid to be themselves. But what does this even mean when being one's self changes from place to place and with each person the individual interacts with. Context heavily influences how one chooses to represent themselves, and how people perceive the individual. Perhaps one can only be true to themselves by recognizing the reality that they perform different roles as necessary, instead of trying to achieve some idyllic sense of self wherein one's character remains static for the remainder of their lives, in all contexts. That I believe would be an elusive search for a truth we have constructed.